Posts Tagged With: musings

Photo Diary #159: November 28, 2018 Wednesday, Show me the way God

The Wednesday session for CoEDL Summer School is optional, so I decided not to attend to rest… Although I felt I slept well, I still am weak. I guess, the weakness doesn’t really stem from being fatigued physically cos I had to walk from Toad Hall to Molonglo theater every day and still have to work 8 hours at night. Today, I feel the need to write it all out here…

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Since I only stayed at Toad Hall the whole day, attended the weekly meeting with Nic and Sinney for Apollo Mandarin, I didn’t have a picture. To represent what I feel, I got this wilt flower. To be honest, I do not know myself anymore. I feel like working nonstop without knowing the reason for all the efforts. I feel guilty for traveling to Europe as a birthday gift when I could use the money to pay my parents’ debt intsead which I intend to do. I haven’t started out with life yet, but I’m already tired… I’m tired of feeling stupid, inadequate, unworthy and useless. I’m tired of giving myself up, and not really feeling being appreciated- as if all those sacrifices are nothing cos they would repay me anyway.  I see myself as someone ready to die tomorrow, and the world will never even notice. I sometimes wonder what the efforts are for… I give, and give, I work hard and try to excel and I always end up being mediocre. I work hard for my grades for example… and only to realise once it comes down to really picking the candidate, professor will choose the other one over me… I think that’s the reason why I don’t care anymore. Sometimes I think all the accomplishments were just my imagination – the professor telling me how impressive my work is, how fellow student leaders praise me for my teaching and leadership (in the past)… I am constantly running after something I couldn’t even grasp. And I’m just FUCKING exhausted. Can I go to Europe without feeling guilty? Can I respond no without feeling bitchy? Can I speak out my mind without being bossy? Can I be me? Can I be me even for just today. Part of the problem is putting all my eggs in one basket – in grades in being excellent at one thing, when I put other areas of my life on hold- relationships, self, and even enjoyment. I feel so small! everything I thought I was is wrong! All of it – my being summa cum laude, my HD grades, all of it! I don’t even know where I stand anymore. My mind is so mslal, I can’t think beyond what I write for example in my to-do list… What is there for? What do I even fight for? Why do I even do this? Why does it even matter? Is my life worth it at all? Am I worthy to be loved too? Am I worthy to listen to? How I wish I am fluent! How I wish I don’t second guess myself everytime. How I wish I think more critically. How I wish I am more confident than the others… I am so tired! And I feel I need to love myself more! I have always put myself aside. My writing sucks, my speaking sucks, my teaching sucks, my body sucks, my ego sucks… Is there anything right about me God? Is there? Cos I don’t know anymore… No one has even asked me how I am… But I hold on to what you promised God… every single tear, every single sweat every single sacrifice never pass you by.  I guess, it’s time to live in integrity in everything no matter how small, in humility, in aiming after you… Then everything will fall into place. God teach me, and show me the way…

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Photo Diary #138: November 07, 2018 Wednesday, Appen Meeting

I always get anxious when it comes to my job… I feel so stupid and for the past days instead of focusing on my Syntactic Theory paper, I had been stressed over my Appen tasks. I feel like I could not breathe… Everything is overwhelming. Still discerning whether I should travel around Scandinavia. Hmmm

I also do not want to chase glory after glory… Look at what anxiet can do. I resort to coke whenever it kicks in. Why am I so afraid of committing mistakes? Why does it feel like death?

But thankfully, God intervened and the meeting with Nic and Sinney went smoothly. I also could not believe that Nic was impressed by my progress. Well, that is the Holy Spirit working. I will do my best in this project. That I promise God.

Categories: 365 Photos Journal, Kayla In Oz, Lessons, Musings | Tags: , , , , , | Leave a comment

Photo Diary #128: October 28, 2018 Sunday, Toad Hall/Shout to the Lord, Musings

I shout to the Lord and praise God for His mighty love!

God, thank you for not giving up on me! I was supposed to give my dream up and give up on myself.. but You told me straight up, “no, it’s going to happen!” And you brought me here! Surely, your promises are incomparable! No one can tell me not to believe because You already did say it’ll happen! I hold on to You! God! Thank you! The more I think about all the failures, I see your favours clearly! Jesus, thank you so much! I love you! I still remember that vividly. I still remember the time when I asked you, “am I really talking to You?” and you responded to an 11-year-old me, “ask whatever you want now”… and I said, “I want lechon manok?” And you laughed… and then lo,  mama came home with lechon manok. Hahahahaha. And kuya Jesus, I would often come to You whenever people bullied me or whenever I hurt people…And You would often hug me and told me, we’re always together, and that’s your promise. People might fail me, but You will never ever leave Your kim-kim. You’re my coach, my trainer, my wisdom, my guide! It has been a long journey for us. You haven’t given up God! And that’s the biggest gift you have given me. Our relationship is the best thing. Remember when I was just 15. I remember, no one could find our promise ring in the church, your half. And I still vividly remember, I told you after leaving it there that you should let me know if you got your ring through your rain. And when I stepped out of the church, it rained hard. And when I asked all the altar boys and convent boys, they couldn’t find the wrapped gift with my letter. Those were the fondest moments I had God! And I still remember when people bullied me, you told me whenever I see butterflies then I would know that You are near… I miss those simple miracles. Especially when our promise ring fell off into the sink, and then I prayed and I cried the whole night,  but the next morning I woke up with our engagement ring back in my hand. And when those stopped, you told me, “You don’t need those miracles, You are a big girl now”.  All my life… all my successes from failures built our relationship together. I will forever love you Kuya Jesus! People called me stupid, fat, and everything but You believed in me Kuya Jesus.  No sinful act can separate me from Your love. I also still remember when I didn’t win the NDEA oration at Kidapawan. I sighed but smiled and said, it’s sad cos I ended my oration career this way. And then a month after, I didn’t know You will bring me to UP Diliman to bag the National Oration title. You’ve always overturned all my negative expectations. I mean look at how I write.. but You bless all my papers. No one would understand… but I know cos I know how stupid I am sometimes and how ugly my writing is. WITH YOU NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE! So who am I to boast after all these experiences? You have the right to give and the right to take away. We’re always at your mercy, and like a wife who’s willing to submit, I submit my heart, my future to You because You are faithful, You are kind, generous and merciful and loving! I can handle everything as long as I know You are beside me. It’s been 27 years God. But my love for You gets stronger and stronger each day. I still remember the time while I was 15, when the rumours about You and Magdalene spread, I imagined holding your hand while telling you, even if it’s true Kuya Jesus, I am still here for you. It does not matter. And I remember you’re hugging me tight and telling me it’s not. I always heard your voice, and nothing compares to those moments. I am crying cos I know I am almost there, I am getting closer to home… and only you and I know where that is. I can’t even say it… that’s how I love that dream so much, so much it hurts. But I know You will be with me. I’m not afraid. Thank you for today!

I’m really sorry for being too focus on acquiring glory after glory! I was not satisfied because I always look for validation outside You, outside myself. True, the only legacy that will last is the number of souls we are able to save! Thank you for reminding me God! I worship You God! Power and Glory are Yours! The seas roar at the sound of your name! But even though You are God, thank you for loving me deeply, for watching me sleep at night, for wiping my tears, for holding my hands and telling me you’re holding me foreover. Jesus Christ, I surrender the next years, the remaining years to you. I know it’ll happen because you already declared it. I love you God! Thank you for the promises

 

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Categories: 365 Photos Journal, Kayla In Oz, Lessons, Musings, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , | Leave a comment

Photo Diary #107: October 07, 2018 Sunday, Toad Hall

Live upward, inward and outward!

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Categories: 365 Photos Journal, God's Messages, Kayla In Oz, Lessons, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Photo Diary #102: September 30, 2018 Sunday, ANU/And Prayer

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Early in the morning, I submitted an abstract to ConSOLE. I guess, even if I failed… I’m proud of myself for trying this month. I applied to ANU summer research scholarship, ConSOLE, and ISFIT 2019.

Today, God simply acknowledged that and whispered I’m enough. What demotivated me is not being on top this semester. If that’s always my goal, then I would never feel enough.

I must always stick to my skills instead of being somebody I am not. But also God encourages me to not give up on my dreams. So far, I have three universities in mind. I won’t reveal them yet. I just feel safe at this stage of my life. Pastor Rick Warren also emphasized not being afraid.

What am I really afraid of? Not providing for my parents? Being too poor, being underestimated… I don’t feel secure, to be honest. But with God by my side, I’m sure I am enough. I’m no longer afraid. That Syntactic Theory problem set? I won’t figure it out! But that’s okay! That Structure of English paper? I won’t impress the professor, but that’s fine! That Quanti paper? Will it matter? Probably not, but it’s absolutely fine. That programming I’m putting off? Nah, will it matter in the end? What if I don’t learn how to program? What’s the worst that can happen? I would still be eating, praying, laughing, dancing, traveling. So it’s not a life or death situation. That summer scholarship? I may not be enough in their eyes, but hey, I am enough in God’s eyes. My extreme receptive skills but nil productive skills in terms of vocabulary, oral speaking and writing? That’s fine! I accept it.  This I hold on to: if it’s for me, it’s for me. I just have to be held because as long as I’m trying, I’m fighting and not giving up, I’ll get to where God intends me to be.

God, I want to take this moment to lift everything up to you. Keep my eyes on You and Your purpose and on the prize! Direct me to where you want me to be! Lead me God to where you want me to be! I am sure I’ll get to where you want me to be someday. I am tired of all the running, of all the trying to be someone else I’m not. I’m willing to try, but I’m not gonna force myself. Lead me God to where you want me to be… in the end, as long as You are with me, I’m in the right place.

I love you God.

Yours forever,

Your Kimkim

 

Categories: 365 Photos Journal, Development, God's Messages, Kayla In Oz, Lessons, Musings, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Photo Diary #94: September 21, 2018 Friday, ANU

This is even a longer day…

I received an expected email from Prof. jane Simpson, who asked to meet her amd Prof. Hannah up on Wednesday. I got so nervouse because their project is hard and when I looked at their profiles, they are actually huge. I also aytended today the info session with Susy and took photos with Ghina and Bes.

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Photo Diary #72: August 30, 2018 Thursday, ANU

Thursdays are always full. And I thank God for it. I may not always express this in this blog but I am really grateful to God for all these blessings. I am so fortunate to be sitting in the lectures of these published professors: Prof. Wayan, master of LFG syntactic theory; prof Manuel, editor of Australian Ling Society journal (no wonder I only got 74 last sem in one of his assignments); and prof Catherine, Director of Sydney Speaks and whose papers have been cited more than 1k+ times in the field of sociolinguistics. I am fortunate to just ask these people questions whenever. Makes me excited every day and motivated. And I got to listen to Dr. Catherine herself about the nuts and bolts of publication. God, I know you are preparing me. Let’s do this.

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Daily photo Diary #8: June 27, 2018 Tuesday, University of Queensland and Gold Coast

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Daily Photo Diary #2 (Australia): June 20, 2018 Wednesday, Canberra Centre

Dinner with Allie, Karla and Luchi at Nando’s before watching Deadpool 2 at Dendy’s Canberra Centre!

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Musings again: Dumbing Down

(Unedited!)

Yesterday, I got a 90 for a research proposal I did for two days, I even handed it in late. Now, imagine submitting that to a linguist, who published articles in journal? It feels good to be honest, and it absolutely feels good to get it out of my chest. But I just don’t have the courage to say that and to let others know. It’s not only that, I realised I’m dumbing down myself. For example, my friend told me she got 86 in another course, but she got 95, 95, 98 in the previous assessments. One of her classmates told me that the professor was rather lenient in that class. And even if I didn’t know if someone has higher than my score, I told her, “but most of them are higher than 90!”. The heck? Why did I lie? Why did I lie that many of my classmates have higher scores when I don’t know? and I never told her that the prof was a strict grader in that course? She’s witholding information to lift herself up while I witheld information to dumb myself down. I also lied to a classmate in that course, telling her I didn’t get an HD. Why? I have been thinking about that all day yesterday.

 

 

 

 

 

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