Posts Tagged With: journeyofthetheoxenophile

Photo Diary #162: December 01, 2018 Saturday, Toad Hall

Melda’s staying for four nights…

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Photo Diary #161: November 30, 2018 Friday, Molonglo

Today is the last day of CoEDL summer school (with Ghina, Zita and Jacky)

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Photo Diary #160: November 29, 2018 Thursday, Thank You God

Results for Second semester…

Straight HDs still. One more sem to go, God and we will get to the the perfect GPA…

And I can’t believe that my weakest has turned out to be the strongest… Quantitative research.

Screen Shot 2018-11-29 at 12.33.59 am

 

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Photo Diary #159: November 28, 2018 Wednesday, Show me the way God

The Wednesday session for CoEDL Summer School is optional, so I decided not to attend to rest… Although I felt I slept well, I still am weak. I guess, the weakness doesn’t really stem from being fatigued physically cos I had to walk from Toad Hall to Molonglo theater every day and still have to work 8 hours at night. Today, I feel the need to write it all out here…

Image result for wilt flower

Since I only stayed at Toad Hall the whole day, attended the weekly meeting with Nic and Sinney for Apollo Mandarin, I didn’t have a picture. To represent what I feel, I got this wilt flower. To be honest, I do not know myself anymore. I feel like working nonstop without knowing the reason for all the efforts. I feel guilty for traveling to Europe as a birthday gift when I could use the money to pay my parents’ debt intsead which I intend to do. I haven’t started out with life yet, but I’m already tired… I’m tired of feeling stupid, inadequate, unworthy and useless. I’m tired of giving myself up, and not really feeling being appreciated- as if all those sacrifices are nothing cos they would repay me anyway.  I see myself as someone ready to die tomorrow, and the world will never even notice. I sometimes wonder what the efforts are for… I give, and give, I work hard and try to excel and I always end up being mediocre. I work hard for my grades for example… and only to realise once it comes down to really picking the candidate, professor will choose the other one over me… I think that’s the reason why I don’t care anymore. Sometimes I think all the accomplishments were just my imagination – the professor telling me how impressive my work is, how fellow student leaders praise me for my teaching and leadership (in the past)… I am constantly running after something I couldn’t even grasp. And I’m just FUCKING exhausted. Can I go to Europe without feeling guilty? Can I respond no without feeling bitchy? Can I speak out my mind without being bossy? Can I be me? Can I be me even for just today. Part of the problem is putting all my eggs in one basket – in grades in being excellent at one thing, when I put other areas of my life on hold- relationships, self, and even enjoyment. I feel so small! everything I thought I was is wrong! All of it – my being summa cum laude, my HD grades, all of it! I don’t even know where I stand anymore. My mind is so mslal, I can’t think beyond what I write for example in my to-do list… What is there for? What do I even fight for? Why do I even do this? Why does it even matter? Is my life worth it at all? Am I worthy to be loved too? Am I worthy to listen to? How I wish I am fluent! How I wish I don’t second guess myself everytime. How I wish I think more critically. How I wish I am more confident than the others… I am so tired! And I feel I need to love myself more! I have always put myself aside. My writing sucks, my speaking sucks, my teaching sucks, my body sucks, my ego sucks… Is there anything right about me God? Is there? Cos I don’t know anymore… No one has even asked me how I am… But I hold on to what you promised God… every single tear, every single sweat every single sacrifice never pass you by.  I guess, it’s time to live in integrity in everything no matter how small, in humility, in aiming after you… Then everything will fall into place. God teach me, and show me the way…

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Photo Diary #158: November 27, 2018 Tuesday, CoEDL

Second day of seminar and I start to feel stupid amd small…

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Photo Diary #157: November 26, 2018 Monday, CoEDL

My firsy day at the CoEDL Summer School. To be honest, I enjoy the morning sessioms far more than the Machine Learning. I just do not find its significance in my career.

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Photo Diary #156: November 25, 2018 Sunday, Toad Hall

Screen Shot 2018-11-28 at 5.49.21 pm

I also started preparing my mother’s itinerary for her visa application…

So help us God

 

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Photo Diary #155: November 24, 2018 Saturday, Toad Hall

While I am still free

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Photo Diary #154: November 23, 2018 Friday, Toad Hall

Okay… Another lost day

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Photo Diary #153: November 22, 2018 Thursday, ANU

With Charbel

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