Posts Tagged With: Christianity

Jesus, Thank you!

God urged me to type this down today. I realised I haven’t written anything in here for the past months. Also, please excuse my grammar. I want it to be bare, to be as unedited to show how I write to God the way I do 🙂

Last March 31, 2018 at Yass, NSW river, 2 PM, I took a bold stand of professing my faith in public and udergoing water baptism. While discerning about it for the past week (for the past three years actually since US!) amidst the tests and the chaos of temporal things, God spoke to my heart and asked me when I am willing to proceed in this walk with Him. I also realised that God will not be able to use me if I don’t stand up for what I believe in and if I continue to be a lukewarm Christian in general, be it Catholic or protestant. For that reason, I decided it’s time to end the confusing and the running and the hiding and the evading. When Pastor Patrick put me into the river for a few seconds, I felt safe and at peace and when the pulled me up, I felt total surrender. I can’t help but smiling. That’s it! hahahaha! Nothing too dramatic. Before going to the river for my turn, I talked to God I told him, “I am scared of the river. Is it safe?” “I will walk with you everywhere you go” that’s what he whispered. I remembered responding, “Okay let’s go.” What’s seemingly odd is through Pastor Patrick’s prayer, God is affirming my vision of seeing the one soon… God is assuring me that he’s creating a love story with me. It can actually be interpreted as “It’s our love story” or “It’s a love story ordained by God, so he creates it with me, with us.” Either way, I felt at peace. I guess I am in the phase of my life where I see the temporariness of everything. The greatest failure is being successful at unimportant things.

Dear Jesus,

Here we are. I am bare in front of you. But unlike any other, you accepted for who I am. People ran when they finally see who I am. People evade me when they start seeing greatness or weakness, but you stuck with me through it all. Such a cliche, but it’s true. Ever since I was young, you made me feel how special I am in your eyes. From my prayers of, “God give me cake on my birthday!” to “God take me to Japan please” to “God bring me to Europe”… and still growing, you are like a lover who spoiled me and want to give the whole world to me. You blessed me with all those even if I don’t deserve them. It was a love-hate relationship. Whenever you said no, I started grumbling. Not a great Christian example. But still you continued to discipline me and mold my character. I never knew I would change until I started seeing gradually a change in my heart. From pride to surrender, from low self-esteem to courage, from ambitions to progress. You brought me to places not to build my resume, but to grow in this journey with you. You brought me to the US to show me that the world is grand and I’m not the main actress. You brought me to the UK to show me that politics isn’t for me, that my heart of competition will take me nowhere. You took me to ANU to show me that even the famous university can still create doubts in my mind and dissatisfaction. You took me to those places to bring me back to that little child who only depended on You and whose only ambition is to serve you.

Last year and 2016 was tough for me and for my family. We didn’t know where to get our food next, so my mom was drowning in debts. I was jobless after my US stint, and someone took credit for what I worked hard for me. I remembered every night crying in the sofa in my sister’s room while they are still asleep. I was talking to you constantly. I remember sunking so low because I get to experience selling in our store. But of course I unerstood that You brought me to that place to help me learn the value of service and humility. You showed me the metaphor of doors ( https://journeyofthetheoxenophile.wordpress.com/2016/09/11/lessons-from-god/ ). It’s amazing God how you were true to your promise…

Then Appen came. It was a new experience, but I still couldn’t help asking why Appen and not CHED. I was hired at CHED but resigned afterwards after three days because after discerning you directed me towards Appen. I prayed so hard in those days, and when I finally picked Appen, again I was at peace. Little did I know it’s my passage to Australia, to ANU…
Thank you for showing me “Just be Held” in 2016 in those times of doubts and meaninglessness. And so I did, I let myself be held by you… and you brought me here. Thanks GOd! “Your world is not falling apart, it’s falling into place”. I held on to that for so long… and now it made sense. Thank you God!

And then you showed me to the people I have broken relations with: Dr. Pilapil for being my PHD professor, and the dean of school of Education. You also introduced me to the best professors of Qual and Quan research at AdDU. Little did I know I will encounter those terms after six months again here.

While still at Appen, we still sunk deep into debts…This time I struggled with my finances and spending. I always wanted to buy converse for myself, nike and all those stuffs. My pants were giving out… but althoguh my salary is so huge! I couldn’t buy them. I was also sinking lower and lower… to the point of pawning my rings at Palawan pawnshop just to survive weekly. I asked you to take me out of it, of the rat race so I can start again… and God, where I am now I look back and realised you granted that prayer.

I lived in a stinky boarding house, I was crying every evening and have it in my prayer: to live in a comfortable place. ANd you did. My room is perfect now. I asked how I couldn’t find for great activities everywhere I go, and now I’m surrounded by activities, activties I didn’t even experience while I was doing my undergrad! I remembered crying because my shoes hurt and I ddin’t do anything, I didn’t replace them… my pants uncomfortable… and when you brought me here, I look back at the things I know own and I realised that after a year, you did grant those little wishes. You are an awesome GOd! You are true to your promises! You are the Great I Am! You are amazing God! You love us immensely but you are far more interested in molding our character. In those times of debt and poverty, you showed me the importance of temperance and self-control! Now I own stocks and I have savings! God you heard me! You heard me God!!!! Thank you so much for where I am now! For pulling me out and for giving me a new beginning! I was so ungrateful when I came here and You did show everything to me, and now I promise myself that everyday every day, I will worship you, give thanks and pour out myself in service for others, and ENJOY every moment and every opportunity. I am so grateful for everything now God! Thank you! Thank you!!! For my new assessment! For the coming weeks! For the amazing people I met! For faith, for a change in my mentality! Thank you God for the comfort and peace most of all! God you heard us! You heard us! I can’t help crying in writing this letter of thanks. You heard my prayers back in 2016 and 2017. God, thank you for being true to Your promise. This experience is so much more… it’s not just a scholarship, it’s a revelation of Your faithfulness, forgiveness, generosity and love. When I’m finally here I knew You had this planned ever since!

Thank you God… and these words have meaning for me now.

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Day 8: Confident in God Bible Reading Challenge

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Day 7: Confident in God Bible Reading Challenge

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Day 6: Confident in God Bible Reading Challenge

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Day 5: Confident in God Bible Reading Challenge

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Day 3: Confident in God Bible Reading Challenge

 

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Day 2: Confident in God Bible Reading Challenge

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In the Hospital of 2001: Memoir Part 2

They took me to Marbel Doctor’s Hospital one afternoon. I remember barely seeing anything except the blurry vision of my mama and papa as they held me tight. The high fever started a week ago, but the rashes only occurred in the morning. On our way, I vomited into a red bag in Uncle Renat’s van twice already and to a 10-year-old high spirited kid, it was horrible. I wanted to go back home and watch Voltes V on the TV with my siblings, play paper dolls – those sailormoon drawings made of paper which you can dress up using paper-made dresses, and make up stories in my head while I hold the two paper dolls together.

Arriving at the hospital was harder, I couldn’t move my head because a slight flip would make me dizzy again and vomit afterwards. Thankfully, none of that happened as they put me into the wheelchair and pulled me to the Emergency Room.

As I lay there, I noticed my mama crying. I remember her asking me what type of room I want to have, and what food I want to eat. None of that mattered. I knew something was wrong. I heard my papa leaving when I began to drift, and I recalled them talking they need Uncle Robert’s blood. I might not have understood the processes, but I was perfectly well aware I need blood. And needing blood transfusion, the way I usually see in telenovelas, mean my life is about to end.

To add to that, the nurses struggled finding my veins to start putting on the dextrose because my hands were flabby. It must took them an hour, or maybe I overestimated time because 5 minutes in that room felt like the quadruple of the reality. When they’re finished, I was rested in a suite room on the new building.

I did not know a hospital could be a happy place.

It had restroom, cabinet, fridge and tv (yaaay).

At that age though, I remembered praying for the first time on my own without my parents’ constant badgering. “I-save ko Kuya Jesus if you’re real. Maging buot ko nga bata, Promise. (Save me Jesus if you’re real. I’d be a good kid. Promise)”

Although my feeling did not get better the next day, my situation did. My platelet count became stable, so they wouldn’t need to transfuse blood.

The announcement made my mama cry again.

Only after two days that my feeling got better, it was then I knew God answered my prayer.

My sister once told me even if my eyes were closed off I would tell her, “Binli niyo ko pagkaon. (Leave me some food)” Even at such excruciating situation, I couldn’t get my mind off food. Dr. Feliprada, my physican, would often do her rounds daily and find me either sitting on my bed or on the chair watching TV while eating- always eating. They’re food that I couldn’t still consume, but my mama would often say I found my refuge in food, no matter what it was. I was certain I looked forward to mama coming to the hospital at 5:30 from work because she always brought chicken barbecue or Jollibee (now Jollibee becomes a food).

Aside from food, I found solace in TV. We did not have many channels yet at home, so we depended on GMA and ABS for fun. The stay in the hospital allowed me to watch animes from AXN and from other channels for long hours without mama or papa yelling at the background.

I never thought the hospital could be a happy place, or maybe it became one because of my first encounter with God.

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I shared this because it was my first answered prayer and the beginning of my growing faith and our budding relationship. Whenever people ask me why I believe in God, I would often say it isn’t much about what the bible says, what the church teaches, what my parents preach but it has always been experiencing Him in my life.

Our relationship with God can be likened to our relationship with a restaurant.

Seeing a restaurant and hear people appreciate how great the customer service is, or how different and delicious their food is cannot make the restaurant a personal reality for a person. It’s for this reason that people want to try that new Japanese restaurant and check if their Teriyaki is really different, or visit a new Italian café to fully understand why people go crazy over their grilled chicken pasta. It’s only when you experience that you 100 percent believe and love it without having to explain it.

Did I end up being true to my promise? H*** no. I bragged, made my parents cry, insulted people, hurt (physically, verbally) people, yelled at God, cursed God, cursed people. I was a beast. With my bipolar personality, I struggled all my life. I got better eventually, but I still get up every day hoping I woudn’t be the same awful person.

But this story isn’t about me, it’s about God’s faithfulness amidst my unfaithfulness.

And based on my experience with Him, He isn’t like any other. He does not retaliate, does not curse, does not hate. He always stays true to His promise. I’m certain it’s only God that doesn’t change.

If God continued to love me amidst my imperfections, then you could be pretty certain he would embrace you totally.

Trust Him, not the people who constantly judge you.

Trust His heart, not the leaders and preachers whose priorities  and personalities change.

Trust His care, not even your parents who will leave you someday.

*More Miracle Stories to Come*

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Photo Journal #317: March 22, 2015 (Sunday)/Another Chance

I wonder why everytime I ask for God’s forgiveness, after a very sinful and unhealthy way of living, He would always say, “So far is the east from the west, so far have your sins been removed.” I didn’t hear it in the readings today, though I was expecting it, He rather spoke it through a communion song. Isn’t it sweet? “Always have creative anticipations; hold your ideal image always and believe that you can be it; a door slams us in the face to direct us to another that is opened freely for us.” -nuggest of wisdom from Reaching Your Potential by Dr. Norman Vincent Peale.

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Photo Journal #271: February 04, 2015 (Wednesday)/Two Kaylas

Daisy visited us and brought her daughter Kayla who she named after me. It’s also the first day of my toxic nights. I had to stay up to finish chapter five. When I took a break at around 11 pm, I talked to Jesus and told Him how vulnerable I felt. While I was still in school, I saw an invulnerable me because I held on to God’s promise that He sends angelS to protect me, ALWAYS. As an adult, I started to question that belief and sometimes considered it a mere fantasy. However when I opened my radio, God sent the following songs to assure me.

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