Posts Tagged With: Catholic

Photo Journal #196: November 21, 2014 (Friday)/Borderline Personality

I believe I have a Borderline Personality Disorder. I could never be wrong. All the symptoms explain me. I am frustrated but happy because I finally was able to name that “devil” inside of me. Now, I understand why God sticks with me. All this time, He knows about it yet accepts me. I didn’t even die. So, there is a reason why I am still living. I could have died but no, I just found out who I am and now I am more determined to battle it: to build bridges and to change-to bring life and light to people. Before, I wondered why I could be so sympathetic yet so angry; why I could be indifferent yet deep inside wanting to help. I understand now. I am not evil after all. But of course, I have to go to the psychiatrist to confirm it.

We are not evil people. We just think, feel and so behave differently. Our all-or-nothing, black-and-white views contribute to who we are. But I refuse to accept that I will be like this forever. I want to change. And I want to prove that we can better. It’s hard especially that no one in the Philippines conducts Dialectical Behavior Therapy but I will do my best to follow the skills through an online DBT class. I am 23 and there’s so much more ahead of me. I refuse to believe that this defines me.

I have so many passions, dreams – and sometimes it’s so hard. Sometimes, I ask why is it like moving mountains for somebody who has a lot of drive, passion to get to where she wants. Last Saturday, I was also told that I won’t be successful for some reason. Something holds me back. I guess, this is the reason why I begin to understand myself now, why suddenly this happens. God wants to ensure that I am totally healed by knowing who I really am.

It’s weird because usually people with this disorder were abused sexually when they’re young. I wasn’t. But yes, I was bullied, hurt, undermined, neglected at school for no reason or maybe plainly because I was fat. I never thought I carried it with me and suffer the effects now. Forgiveness is one step to healing. So, I forgive them all for bullying, undermining my capacity, calling me names. I forgive all of them. And I refuse to let me be defined by this. I am stronger and my God is stronger. I have the strength in everything through God who strengthens me (Philippines 4:13). I am never afraid. There is a reason why the altercation happened yesterday. I don’t promise it won’t happen again. This time though, I am more aware of my distorted thoughts and emotions. I have faith. Besides, I am not meant to be here anyway. I’m (we’re) meant for heaven. As I always say, as long as I still love, as long as I still give, as long as I still help people, I am successful.

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Photo Journal #195: November 20, 2014 (Thursday)/ Bursts

I am absolutely stressed. I felt ashamed of myself today. I blew up for a very tiny reason:bed cover. I mean, it is, but probably it stemmed from bottled frustrations. Imagine someone who took care of you since you were young, crying. I was really harsh. No words can explain how frustrated I am with myself. Out of anger, I even threw my scapular. Now, I don’t have it. I just want God to be angry with me, not to tolerate me. I want Him to just leave me. But He stayed. And I remembered crying and slapping myself, begging Him to leave while asking Him why He still sticks with me. I sobbed the whole day and even prayed that God will lay me to rest. But (Proceed to November 21, 2014).

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Photo Journal #26: June 4, 2014 (Wednesday)/Letter to an Inmate

Finally, after half a month, the Death Row project’s letter containing my assigned death row inmate arrived at 8:00 a.m. I did not expect crying after reading “my new penpal’s” desperate plea for a letter mate. Who wouldn’t respond to that immediately eh? Since I still had pending postcards to send, I also decided to mail them to Russia and Germany along with the letter. By the way, my afternoon’s spent with ate Angie, watching “Maybe This Time”. #laidback wednesday, yes.

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Categories: 1,000 Notes, 365 Photos Journal, Musings, Successes | Tags: , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

15 Years Guide

A. Work Department

15 years from now, I WILL be:

1. earning Php150,000.00 and more.

2. speaking in different schools, giving lectures to better education.

3. a published researcher and a renowned author.

4. an owner of a successful clothing line or another business.

5. a DepEd Superintendent.

6. a respected leader and an epitome of success.

 

B. Home Department

           15 years from now, I WILL be:

1. a loving, caring, hands-on parent to my children.

2. a great wife to my husband.

3. living in a two-floor house with a mini library, chapel, entertainment room and a     garden.

4. spending vacation every year with mama, papa and with my own family around the   Philippines first before visiting countries abroad.

5. sending my kids to different sports, music and educational trainings.

Schedule:

Eat together every evening and morning.

Pray together every evening.

Drive to school the kids.

Every Wednesday, date with husband.

Every Sunday, go to church together and have a family bonding.

Every Friday. visit mama and papa with the family.

Every Saturday, visit in-laws with the family.

Every evening, tutor the kids and have an “us-time” with my husband.

6. celebrating important events with family in the morning then, at a charity.

C. Social Department

           15 years from now, I WILL be:

1. having supportive, close friends who also have great families.

2. serving the church as a lector and a leader still.

3. providing food and shelter to homeless old people and street children.

Categories: Development, Lessons, Musings, Skills, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Photo Journal #22: May 31, 2014 (Saturday)

Met Dr. Suzette for the first time today at 1:30 p.m. Take note: No hypothyroidism! That means, I really have to work harder on my exercise routine and diet. Huhuhuhuhu. After the check-up, Ate Angie and I talked about several matters while gobbling our Mcdo cheeseburgers and nibbling our fries in between. We jumped from one serious topic to the next while I mindfully put into practice the “Tune in to Channel Positive” tip by Dr. schwartz as Ate Angie rambled on her perceptions about the subject. Honestly, it was harder than I expected. If you are willing enough though, you wouldn’t want to put off what you learned because you know it would make you a better/greater individual. Takeaway for today: When failure hit you, choose to think big and say, “Failure is not taking something out of me. It is putting something into me.” Choose to learn from your setbacks. 🙂

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Photo Journal #21: May 30, 2014 (Friday)

Had my thyroid ultrasound at 9:00 a.m. today. Of course, Ate Angie accompanied me as requested by my mama. It was my first time to take a jeepney with another route ( from Quirino Ave.) that dropped us off San Pedro Cathedral. When I got home, I continued reading the different thinking big strats of Dr. David Schwartz that contained application tips. The pic below summarizes some of the takeaways from Chapter 8. “Give people good news or none at all.”

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Photo Journal #20: May 29, 2014 (Thursday)

went to Minlab Davao today for my laboratory. After, I decided to stay at Dunkin Donut’s just in front of the lab to read while Papa had his check-up with a neurologist. It’s great to have capped the day off by leaving a note to Gee and Anne for being so accommodating. 😉

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Photo Journal #18: May 27, 2014 (Tuesday)

I was still recuperating from my suicidal, manic, venomenous thoughts on this day. Thanks to my sister Kath, who came from South Cotabato to submit her employment documents to RCBC Davao, for easing them and effacing some of them. We talked for hours after her initial question, “what happened?”. I narrated the events and recounted the root causes while rambling on and off how Jesus abandoned me. She did not throw her usual wake-up-you-moron retorts and so I sensed she wasn’t feeling well. And I was right. She vomitted and cried (the pain she’s carrying since she was in high school) for almost an hour while I (regretfully) did not show any concern at all. I was still at the stage of anger and was then, showing off how bad/evil I can be. Sooner though, I began to pass my whole bad-sister acting and took care of her. That’s when I realized, I was caged by others’ view for such a long time. I wasn’t evil after all. I began to see the new light and started checking my goals and saying goodbye to some of them. It did make me feel better and it reunited me with the Lord.

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Photo Journal #17: May 26, 2014 (Monday)

I locked up in my room for the whole day and just sobbed. Fear crippled me and snatched hope from me. Anger paralyzed my dreams and longing to
Help. I began to bury myself into negative thoughts and held on to the faith… That I was, am and will always be evil. I even screamed at God and
threw tantrums, hoping that He will instantly become the way He used to be while I was still starting my relationship with Him, a “fairy godfather”. Unlike my parents, God did not tolerate this “i want-my-way” behavior and so He never answered back which was more dreadful and agonizing. Later on though, I stopped wailing and dropped myself to bed and the last memories I remembered reminiscing were the happy moments we had together
at school while listening to a repeated soft whisper, ” I love you still” before I finally dozed off. Yes, Lord, I cannot stop myself from believing in You and for loving You. I love you.

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