Posts Tagged With: 2016 Reflections

Kayla’s Life Lessons (2016)

In my daily private journal, I have a section called “lessons learned”.

Here are the notes I’ve “typed” there for a year:

Side note: Exactly as they are, no edits- so excuse my grammar. And by You, I mean God.

  1. Too much learning. too much. I will not let anyone demean me anymore. I won’t apologize for my thoughts, opinions, feelings and ideas as long as I am not hurting anyone. I realized that I’m not fully actualized because I am not being myself. Without fully expressing myself, it’s harder to find that inner happiness. I need to step up for myself and be more confident. All throughout hell week, I realized “I need to love myself more”. I need to be me more. I need to be stronger and fiercer. I need to be stronger.

2.I just need to depend on You. I should stop worrying. I should pray more and thank you more. When I don’t have time, I need to ask You time. When I don’t have money, I should ask for it. James wrote in his letter, we don’t have it, because we don’t ask enough. I also realized today that all is vanity. LIfe is not always beautiful but what matters most is pleasing You. Everyone has his fair share of mirth and distress, so we should not worry. It’s how we look at things. I should fix my gaze on You all the time. It’s gonna be hard but it’s enjoyable. I love reading the bible and listening to sermons. They refresh me.

 Bottomline: I should worry less, pray and thank You more.

  1. Today, I learned the pain of waiting and what to do in waiting. W-rite down the lessons. The reason you are not answering our prayers yet is that you are teaching us a lesson. ANd a lesson is repeated until it is learned. To save our time, we reflect more and write it down. A-ct as if it’s already been done. For example, even if I don’t have my teaching sked yet every 4 am, I should continue to wake up around that time. I should also hone my skills to prepare myself more. Another example I could think of is grooming myself, learning how to cook and nurture and knowing my sexuality more in preparation for the opportune moment of meeting the spouse. I have to be the best for Him, too. I—I forgot the I. But T is to Think positively and to continue believing in You. You are God, who are we to judge.
  1. God was the source of your success in the past, so stop depending on Yourself now to achieve again.
  1. One learning today: never judge. Sometimes we have to stop and really see events objectively.
  1. God reminds me today of the importance of being faithful. Do not worry. Do not worry but focus on Jesus. Never even look within. I looked outside there was distress, I looked within and I became depressed but when I gazed at Jesus I am completely at rest. Jesus, there’s only oy who can foretell our future. You are mighty. Nothing can ever surmount your power. If you say, we succeed, we would. If you command we fail, we would. There’s only one master builder and that is You! Thank you for reminding me that.

Lesson Above REPEATED TWICE!!!

  1. God reminds me to stay close to Him, to pray more, not to trust on tarots and psychics anymore but have faith. God reminds me to trust Him. To be the same baby girl, that favorite child. God wants me to be with Him and so although it hurts, He uses Ma’am Mariz to knock me on the floor in order for me to stand again. God uses ma’am Mariz to bring out the best in me.

SEE? God repeated the lesson THRICE!

  1. God taught me that it’s okay to be yourself, to say no. It is okay to be alone because I’m never alone.
  1. Jesus taught me to never make a fool of yourself. IN order for others to appreciate you, you have to fully accept and appreciate yourself. I notice that a lot. For example, before Marie doesn’t tease me that I’m ugly it’s only when I kept on referring to myself as “ugly’ that she begins to think and subconsciously consider them ugly. It’s the same with Ma’am Mariz and Ma’am Gia. They were all okay with me but when I started pointing out and making fun of my mistakes, they also started bullying me as well.
  1. Whatever you focus on with either intent or discontent is what you are manifesting. The same goes for what you are appreciating and what you are complaining about.The universe will continue to deliver more of the same energy and types of people to you. Watch your thoughts and emotions. In other words, God affirms my decision to be happy! I am happy!
  1. Jesus taught me to continue being kind to people. To appreciate every moment, every experience, to never complain because it makes a difference. To never complain and to decide to be happy affect us to a degree we can’t even imagine.
  1. Jesus taught me to continue being kind to people. To appreciate every moment, every experience, to never complain because it makes a difference. To never complain and to decide to be happy affect us to a degree we can’t even imagine. Everything happens for a reason. I learned Solar Flare technique, to just do the first task of the whole task in order to avoid procrastination and the Lego Block technique, to break down complex project into small actionable steps . Thank you, Jesus!
  1. Today, I realized how accomplished I am when Venus commented that I have achieved so much at this age of 25. Not that much for me but I began to see that people see me differently. Sometimes I just need to appreciate myself more. I also learned to stop mindreading and defensive listening, thinking that people actually talk about me. I learned to speak up, that I am still lucky because there are people like Faye who does not have anyone. Maybe my role is to help them? To be with them? Sometimes, it’s not about us. It’s about them.

 THis appeared twice as well. God is reteaching you lessons over and over again!

  1. Today, of course, I realized that I need to be honest and not pretend in order to escape future ridicule. I also learned the value of being assertive, of talking no matter how broken the accent may sound. It does not matter to me actually. I also discovered that my intuition may not be real. It isn’t real. What I am thinking and seeing are not real unless they are said. I start assuming Mair hates me. But it may not be true because who am I ? Right. Last Wednesday, grit again was stressed in my life.
  1. God repeats the lesson until it is learned.
  1. Never judge. WHat you think is not always real. (Repeated)

So far, worry less, pray more. Be yourself. Trust in God alone. Speak up. Be kind.

  1. April 09, 2016 Although you feel nothing is moving, just do something every day. You will be amazed when you look back at how far you’ve traveled, and at how much those little somethings have become. (e.g. my website!!!)
  1. Struggles will face me, I should not hide. I should face it assertively. If people don’t like me, so what? I should just focus on giving glory to God.
  1. Instead of looking for the right guy, I should work my way of becoming the person the guy I’m looking for is looking for.
  1. I should prioritize.
  1. Make everyday creative. I should learn something new every day.
  1. In order to be more, I should to do more than what is expected.
  1. If It is not time, do not force. If it is time, do not resist. – April 21, 2016 (Thursday)
  1. Stay out of negative people, they will just suck your energy. Look for people who can bless you, improve you, as you both learn from each other. – April 20-21, 2016 (Thursday)
  1. W-A-I-T with Faith (Write down the lessons, A-ccept that I already received it, I-mitate others with faith and T-rust) April 24, 2016 (Sunday) *Jonathan is not real. And God was so on point. God talked to me. *TWICE*
  1. If you feel you can’t make it, don’t force it. Say, you feel you will be late and you have to rush to get on time, don’t go. You’re right.
  1. Today, I realized that I should not sleep after I’m done with my first task in the morning. I also realized that plotting stories in my head paralyzes me in the morning. I should limit myself from doing that activity with effort. (May 04, 2016)

*Repeated Lesson

  1. Recovery only succeeds when I acknowledge that I am not in control.
  1. Confessing my sins is one way to recovery.
  1. Mercy is the path to peace.
  1. I should know my tics, my inner fears to form an intimate relationship with other people.
  1. Beginning to question why I react or respond can uncover my buried emotions.
  1. Before every big blessing and breakthrough, there is a testing.
  1. God will use your pain and turn it into your gain. Wherever your greatest wound is, there also lies your greatest gift. Find it.
  1. It’s okay to do nothing…to just let things be, to lose control.
  1. Never let the world choose for you. Choose before it starts dictating you.
  1. Trust and walk in faith. Just be held.
  2. NEVER Believe in fortune telling. REPEATED OVER AND OVER AGAIN!!!
  3. Do not be arrogant. Do not be aggressive. Learn to wait!
  4. There are cheaters. But never let cheaters destroy your relationship with God and His justice.
  5. Do not please anyone. Please only God. You will find true peace.
  6. You are loved, no matter what.

Welcome, 2017!

 

 

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Life is Full of Shit: 2016 Lessons Learned

  • Life is hard. PERIOD. And it is full of shit, full of cheaters, full of fakes and full of naggers. People make us cry, but we make people cry too. People cheat on us, but we unknowingly cheat on other people as well. Why fret?  We’re all the same anyway.But the hardest part (breathe in, breathe out)…people (especially the ones you care about) change and leave, not because they don’t care but because circumstances and distance force them to be. They mean the world to you and the next second they are no longer there. You hold on to them for a moment, but you realize you’ve got to move on because there are a lot of shits you have to man up to. But one thing is certain, God never changes, and family never leaves. So set your priorities straight.
  • Set your priorities straight or the world will decide which priorities you need to take. And you wouldn’t want the messed up world to decide for you.
  • The world is messed up. We’re all struggling, so stop being a cry baby and playing the victim. We’re all messed up, but the beautiful part is we’re all in this together.
  • We’re all in this together. I repeat. WE are all in this together, so never assume you ALONE make the world go round.Never make assumptions. Never make assumption that some guy likes you unless he says so. Never assume the grumpy soul dislikes you unless he tells you straight. Never assume your friends don’t care unless they confess. Again, life is not some kind of movie where you are the main actress.
  • You are not the main actress, so the better side to that is you can live the life you want however you want it, and da-da-da-da, no one cares! Want to have some black nails? Puhlease! Want to leave the public sector for a private company because your intuition tells you? Go. In the end, your life might not be a movie everyone wants to see, but an adventure someone might want to live.
  • Life is an adventure, and a crazy ride.
  • Life is a crazy ride. One time you’re in renowned places, the next day you wake up to the rushing sounds of trucks passing by your ancestral house. While you’re in the former, you miss home. But when you’re home, you think you’re crazy for not spending your time exploring the foreign city. Regrets!
  • It’s okay to regret for a while, but you realize you’re just 25 and you need to stand back up and face the world, and be you.
  • Be you. Once you become the real you, you make the world a little less difficult.
  • Life is difficult. It is screaming HARD. But that’s what makes life beautiful anyway, so accept and ignore the cheaters, the haters, the naggers, the fakes- they are all a part of your interesting world.
Categories: Development, Lessons, Musings, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , | Leave a comment

2016 Reflections

Thank you Crystal Cha for this.

Questions to sum up my 2016:

1.What is your most favorite single day or event?

This is hard, but I think celebrating the first day of the year at the Statue of Liberity with my friends. I never thought a year back that I would be blessed to begin the year atop the world-famous gigantic masterpiece with a few dollars left in my pocket. Hahaha!

Ah, nope. Let me refresh that. The best event that happened was taking the leap of faith to tour around Chicago on my own, without knowing anyone from there. The benefits were staring at Renoir’s colourful paintings at the Chicago museum, spending three hours (finally!) in the museum, asking strangers to take my picture when my selfie stick failed me, walking around the city without a map and managing to get back at international hostel at 9 PM on my own anyway, drinking hot chocolate at Hershey’s (ahem!) minus the friends who badgered me, going wherever I wanted at the pace I felt necessary, spending my two nights at Chicago’s Willis Tower and John Hancock Center for separate nights as I gaze back at the city lights, then taking the time to finish off my free breakfast (loads of butter and breads and cereals and lattes), deciding to take the line to O’hare instead of spending 40s for Uber, and finally meeting an amazing, intelligent, god-fearing Australian by the name of Pam.

  1. What is the best thing I built/created/started?

I got two or three? probably four! Yep four! The first is my website www.theorator.org which is a reflection of what I envision myself to be doing for the world. It’s far from beautiful, but I managed to create it on my own. It’ll probably sit there for a few months next year before I kick off things once again. The second is my speech board game which I already finished but I need to refine. Decision has to be made whether to commercialize it or to give it to schools, or to include it in my book. The third is the half-way finished public speaking book I have been writing for five months or so. Before depression hit me this year, I was all pumped up to expedite the process of finishing the book. Last is the ebook I released entitled Reflections of Damaged Characters where I included my black writings.

  1. What is the most impactful decision I made for the future?

I guess it’s deciding to build on my character and committing to one thing. People who know me remember my angry voice, my commanding aura, blah blah. And I don’t want to be remembered that way anymore.

The change started two years ago, but it reached its peak this year when I acknowledged I can never be the jack-of-all-trades or the Renaissance woman I proclaim myself to be, and be equally the best in the sciences and the humanities. Gone are high school and college years where getting A’s in those subjects while running clubs and manning an entire college, being exempted from Chemistry exams and praised for a scientific explanation of God in religion and philo subjects, receiving A’s in all my papers for literary criticism subjects, being tagged as a legend for always breaking terror professors’ records, earning 99+ in the science subject of a national test fooled me into believing I can be in the lab,  pretending I’m great in English inside the classroom, in the fields researching or balancing equations, conducting trainings and workshops, teaching students in far-flung areas about God and humanity while running my public speaking empire!

(yep! Crazy!)

But, I repeat. That’s never going to happen. I have blamed my education for my confused identity. I struggle seeing students I trained pursuing medicine and their parents and the mother of three doctors who were my seniors commenting, “You could have been a doctor or a lawyer.” Blah blah blah.

But to be honest… they are wrong.

I am pretty sure I can never be a doctor. I am a worry wart and a panic penny. Ya’ll know panic should never be in a doctor’s vocabulary.

I can never be a lawyer either because I’ve come to know myself fully. I can think of flaws in arguments but I have a chaotic mind. I don’t trust myself. Unless my idea is perfect, I won’t speak of it. I am not spontaneous. Believe me, I fear impromptu speaking. A lawyer should be quick while I take things slow. A lawyer should be confident, while I am still struggling with low self-esteem.

Yep!

Side comment: I’m happy I entrusted God my decisions and not some national test telling me I should take up medicine or be in any scientific field.

  1. What are the lifelong goals I achieved?

To answer this, let me give you a back story.

When I was 15 years old, I asked God to bring people to my life who will see the real me, and prayed harder that a time will come when I no longer need to unleash “the beast” at whatever circumstances. (That was mom’s greatest fear when I left for the states)

I managed but I struggled. I eventually failed to hold it in anymore, started raising my eyebrows, rolling my eyes that I had to storm out of the room to lessen the gravity. I remembered crying in the bus with Gin. We talked about my past, how I believe the real me is different than what my new found friends are seeing. And the wise Gin remarked, “Ate, what we’re seeing is the real you. Here, you don’t have to pretend.”

Light bulb on!

This is me. What people love about me is me. And my long wish/goal to let people appreciate my character instead of my achievements has been achieved. It took four years to finally get here, but I’m here now.

No turning back.

  1. What are the hardest lessons learned?
  • Life is hard. PERIOD. And it is full of shit, full of cheaters, full of fakes and full of naggers. People make us cry, but we make people cry too. People cheat on us, but we unknowingly cheat on other people as well. Why fret?  We’re all the same anyway.But the hardest part (breathe in, breathe out)…people (especially the ones you care about) change and leave, not because they don’t care but because circumstances and distance force them to be. They mean the world to you and the next second they are no longer there. You hold on to them for a moment, but you realize you’ve got to move on because there are a lot of shits you have to man up to. But one thing is certain, God never changes, and family never leaves. So set your priorities straight.
  • Set your priorities straight or the world will decide which priorities you need to take. And you wouldn’t want the messed up world to decide for you.
  • The world is messed up. We’re all struggling, so stop being a cry baby and playing the victim. We’re all messed up, but the beautiful part is we’re all in this together.
  • We’re all in this together. I repeat. WE are all in this together, so never assume you ALONE make the world go round.Never make assumptions. Never make assumption that some guy likes you unless he says so. Never assume the grumpy soul dislikes you unless he tells you straight. Never assume your friends don’t care unless they confess. Again, life is not some kind of movie where you are the main actress.
  • You are not the main actress, so the better side to that is you can live the life you want however you want it, and da-da-da-da, no one cares! Want to have some black nails? Puhlease! Want to leave the public sector for a private company because your intuition tells you? Go. In the end, your life might not be a movie everyone wants to see, but an adventure someone might want to live.
  • Life is an adventure, and a crazy ride.
  • Life is a crazy ride. One time you’re in renowned places, the next day you wake up to the rushing sounds of trucks passing by your ancestral house. While you’re in the former, you miss home. But when you’re home, you think you’re crazy for not spending your time exploring the foreign city. Regrets!
  • It’s okay to regret for a while, but you realize you’re just 25 and you need to stand back up and face the world, and be you.
  • Be you. Once you become the real you, you make the world a little less difficult.
  • Life is difficult. It is screaming HARD. But that’s what makes life beautiful anyway, so accept and ignore the cheaters, the haters, the naggers, the fakes- they are all a part of your interesting world.
  1. What are your new hobbies and passions?

I learned new skills this year as required by my new job in a speech and search technology company. I learn how to run scripts, commands, write simple regexes which I wouldn’t have experienced working in the academe.

  1. What is your most humbling experience for the year?

The most humbling experience has to be waiting on God to direct me to the job I need to take. I’ve waited for five months to get to the new job I love. Again, I’m fortunate that I followed the Holy Spirit’s prompting. I prayed hard before choosing. This new job comes with buckets of tears and fears and dams of faith. My savior never left me. He told me to just be held. Obeying God brought me to the kind of job I really wanted.

  1. What is one thing I am most grateful for the year?

I am grateful for choosing to live the life I wanted instead of allowing society to dictate it for me. I became self-reliant and independent this year.

 

 

Categories: Development, Lessons, Musings, Uncategorized, Writing | Tags: , , , , , , | Leave a comment

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