Musings

Photo Diary #144: November 13, 2018 Tuesday, Canberra Centre

Lunch with Melda and Karla today

My work at Appen still.gives me a lot of anxiety… I always feel stupid. LuckilynI have Haishan and the new ALPM, Chiern to help out Mandarin.

Advertisements
Categories: 365 Photos Journal, Kayla In Oz, Musings | Tags: , , , | Leave a comment

Photo Diary #143: November 12, 2018 Monday, Popup

After being almost done, I think I deserve a big breakfast…

Breakfast today with Melda

Categories: 365 Photos Journal, Kayla In Oz, Musings | Tags: , , , , | Leave a comment

Photo Diary #141: November 10, 2018 Saturday, A Common Room

Trying really hard to squeeze ideas out for my last paper

Categories: 365 Photos Journal, Kayla In Oz, Musings | Tags: , , , , | Leave a comment

Photo Diary #138: November 07, 2018 Wednesday, Appen Meeting

I always get anxious when it comes to my job… I feel so stupid and for the past days instead of focusing on my Syntactic Theory paper, I had been stressed over my Appen tasks. I feel like I could not breathe… Everything is overwhelming. Still discerning whether I should travel around Scandinavia. Hmmm

I also do not want to chase glory after glory… Look at what anxiet can do. I resort to coke whenever it kicks in. Why am I so afraid of committing mistakes? Why does it feel like death?

But thankfully, God intervened and the meeting with Nic and Sinney went smoothly. I also could not believe that Nic was impressed by my progress. Well, that is the Holy Spirit working. I will do my best in this project. That I promise God.

Categories: 365 Photos Journal, Kayla In Oz, Lessons, Musings | Tags: , , , , , | Leave a comment

Photo Diary #128: October 28, 2018 Sunday, Toad Hall/Shout to the Lord, Musings

I shout to the Lord and praise God for His mighty love!

God, thank you for not giving up on me! I was supposed to give my dream up and give up on myself.. but You told me straight up, “no, it’s going to happen!” And you brought me here! Surely, your promises are incomparable! No one can tell me not to believe because You already did say it’ll happen! I hold on to You! God! Thank you! The more I think about all the failures, I see your favours clearly! Jesus, thank you so much! I love you! I still remember that vividly. I still remember the time when I asked you, “am I really talking to You?” and you responded to an 11-year-old me, “ask whatever you want now”… and I said, “I want lechon manok?” And you laughed… and then lo,  mama came home with lechon manok. Hahahahaha. And kuya Jesus, I would often come to You whenever people bullied me or whenever I hurt people…And You would often hug me and told me, we’re always together, and that’s your promise. People might fail me, but You will never ever leave Your kim-kim. You’re my coach, my trainer, my wisdom, my guide! It has been a long journey for us. You haven’t given up God! And that’s the biggest gift you have given me. Our relationship is the best thing. Remember when I was just 15. I remember, no one could find our promise ring in the church, your half. And I still vividly remember, I told you after leaving it there that you should let me know if you got your ring through your rain. And when I stepped out of the church, it rained hard. And when I asked all the altar boys and convent boys, they couldn’t find the wrapped gift with my letter. Those were the fondest moments I had God! And I still remember when people bullied me, you told me whenever I see butterflies then I would know that You are near… I miss those simple miracles. Especially when our promise ring fell off into the sink, and then I prayed and I cried the whole night,  but the next morning I woke up with our engagement ring back in my hand. And when those stopped, you told me, “You don’t need those miracles, You are a big girl now”.  All my life… all my successes from failures built our relationship together. I will forever love you Kuya Jesus! People called me stupid, fat, and everything but You believed in me Kuya Jesus.  No sinful act can separate me from Your love. I also still remember when I didn’t win the NDEA oration at Kidapawan. I sighed but smiled and said, it’s sad cos I ended my oration career this way. And then a month after, I didn’t know You will bring me to UP Diliman to bag the National Oration title. You’ve always overturned all my negative expectations. I mean look at how I write.. but You bless all my papers. No one would understand… but I know cos I know how stupid I am sometimes and how ugly my writing is. WITH YOU NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE! So who am I to boast after all these experiences? You have the right to give and the right to take away. We’re always at your mercy, and like a wife who’s willing to submit, I submit my heart, my future to You because You are faithful, You are kind, generous and merciful and loving! I can handle everything as long as I know You are beside me. It’s been 27 years God. But my love for You gets stronger and stronger each day. I still remember the time while I was 15, when the rumours about You and Magdalene spread, I imagined holding your hand while telling you, even if it’s true Kuya Jesus, I am still here for you. It does not matter. And I remember you’re hugging me tight and telling me it’s not. I always heard your voice, and nothing compares to those moments. I am crying cos I know I am almost there, I am getting closer to home… and only you and I know where that is. I can’t even say it… that’s how I love that dream so much, so much it hurts. But I know You will be with me. I’m not afraid. Thank you for today!

I’m really sorry for being too focus on acquiring glory after glory! I was not satisfied because I always look for validation outside You, outside myself. True, the only legacy that will last is the number of souls we are able to save! Thank you for reminding me God! I worship You God! Power and Glory are Yours! The seas roar at the sound of your name! But even though You are God, thank you for loving me deeply, for watching me sleep at night, for wiping my tears, for holding my hands and telling me you’re holding me foreover. Jesus Christ, I surrender the next years, the remaining years to you. I know it’ll happen because you already declared it. I love you God! Thank you for the promises

 

Screen Shot 2018-10-28 at 2.04.15 pm.png

Categories: 365 Photos Journal, Kayla In Oz, Lessons, Musings, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , | Leave a comment

Photo Diary #102: September 30, 2018 Sunday, ANU/And Prayer

Screen Shot 2018-10-01 at 1.30.02 pm

Early in the morning, I submitted an abstract to ConSOLE. I guess, even if I failed… I’m proud of myself for trying this month. I applied to ANU summer research scholarship, ConSOLE, and ISFIT 2019.

Today, God simply acknowledged that and whispered I’m enough. What demotivated me is not being on top this semester. If that’s always my goal, then I would never feel enough.

I must always stick to my skills instead of being somebody I am not. But also God encourages me to not give up on my dreams. So far, I have three universities in mind. I won’t reveal them yet. I just feel safe at this stage of my life. Pastor Rick Warren also emphasized not being afraid.

What am I really afraid of? Not providing for my parents? Being too poor, being underestimated… I don’t feel secure, to be honest. But with God by my side, I’m sure I am enough. I’m no longer afraid. That Syntactic Theory problem set? I won’t figure it out! But that’s okay! That Structure of English paper? I won’t impress the professor, but that’s fine! That Quanti paper? Will it matter? Probably not, but it’s absolutely fine. That programming I’m putting off? Nah, will it matter in the end? What if I don’t learn how to program? What’s the worst that can happen? I would still be eating, praying, laughing, dancing, traveling. So it’s not a life or death situation. That summer scholarship? I may not be enough in their eyes, but hey, I am enough in God’s eyes. My extreme receptive skills but nil productive skills in terms of vocabulary, oral speaking and writing? That’s fine! I accept it.  This I hold on to: if it’s for me, it’s for me. I just have to be held because as long as I’m trying, I’m fighting and not giving up, I’ll get to where God intends me to be.

God, I want to take this moment to lift everything up to you. Keep my eyes on You and Your purpose and on the prize! Direct me to where you want me to be! Lead me God to where you want me to be! I am sure I’ll get to where you want me to be someday. I am tired of all the running, of all the trying to be someone else I’m not. I’m willing to try, but I’m not gonna force myself. Lead me God to where you want me to be… in the end, as long as You are with me, I’m in the right place.

I love you God.

Yours forever,

Your Kimkim

 

Categories: 365 Photos Journal, Development, God's Messages, Kayla In Oz, Lessons, Musings, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Photo Diary #97: September 24, 2018 Monday, ANU

Here we go again…

Categories: 365 Photos Journal, Kayla In Oz, Musings, Skills | Tags: , , , , , | Leave a comment

Photo Diary #61: August 19, 2018 Sunday, ANU

Thank you God for affirming my thoughts this morning through the Saddleback Online Sunday Service. Yes, God, You are in control, and You are always with me even if it doesn’t seem like it…and You are not done with me yet. The Comeback kid by Mandisa resonates with this feeling a lot. Please heal my sister…I know you have a plan for us.

Categories: 365 Photos Journal, Development, God's Messages, Kayla In Oz, Musings | Tags: , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Daily Photo Diary #47: August 05, 2018 Sunday, Toad Hall

Overwhelmed by my anger today…

But realised it’s too trivial to be pissed about..

Or is it?

Categories: 365 Photos Journal, Kayla In Oz, Musings | Tags: , , , , | Leave a comment

Daily Photo Diary #44: August 02, 2018 Thursday, ANU

This has been the longest day in the week. Starting it with a 10 am Syntactic theory tute (with the two-hour Structure of English lecture and 3-hour Writing for the Research Process lecture in between) and capping it off with +he exhausting configuration at work… (which means missing the commencement and Market day at Toad)

And oh, I spoke with Dr. carmel today (my quali course prof last semedter) while waiting for my fish and chips at Pop-up. I didn’t know what to say when she told me I am an excellent researcher. Woah!!! I think that’s the reason I had a papercut without me noticing it.

Categories: 365 Photos Journal, Kayla In Oz, Musings | Tags: , , , , , | Leave a comment

Blog at WordPress.com.