I believe I have a Borderline Personality Disorder. I could never be wrong. All the symptoms explain me. I am frustrated but happy because I finally was able to name that “devil” inside of me. Now, I understand why God sticks with me. All this time, He knows about it yet accepts me. I didn’t even die. So, there is a reason why I am still living. I could have died but no, I just found out who I am and now I am more determined to battle it: to build bridges and to change-to bring life and light to people. Before, I wondered why I could be so sympathetic yet so angry; why I could be indifferent yet deep inside wanting to help. I understand now. I am not evil after all. But of course, I have to go to the psychiatrist to confirm it.
We are not evil people. We just think, feel and so behave differently. Our all-or-nothing, black-and-white views contribute to who we are. But I refuse to accept that I will be like this forever. I want to change. And I want to prove that we can better. It’s hard especially that no one in the Philippines conducts Dialectical Behavior Therapy but I will do my best to follow the skills through an online DBT class. I am 23 and there’s so much more ahead of me. I refuse to believe that this defines me.
I have so many passions, dreams – and sometimes it’s so hard. Sometimes, I ask why is it like moving mountains for somebody who has a lot of drive, passion to get to where she wants. Last Saturday, I was also told that I won’t be successful for some reason. Something holds me back. I guess, this is the reason why I begin to understand myself now, why suddenly this happens. God wants to ensure that I am totally healed by knowing who I really am.
It’s weird because usually people with this disorder were abused sexually when they’re young. I wasn’t. But yes, I was bullied, hurt, undermined, neglected at school for no reason or maybe plainly because I was fat. I never thought I carried it with me and suffer the effects now. Forgiveness is one step to healing. So, I forgive them all for bullying, undermining my capacity, calling me names. I forgive all of them. And I refuse to let me be defined by this. I am stronger and my God is stronger. I have the strength in everything through God who strengthens me (Philippines 4:13). I am never afraid. There is a reason why the altercation happened yesterday. I don’t promise it won’t happen again. This time though, I am more aware of my distorted thoughts and emotions. I have faith. Besides, I am not meant to be here anyway. I’m (we’re) meant for heaven. As I always say, as long as I still love, as long as I still give, as long as I still help people, I am successful.