Photo Journal #196: November 21, 2014 (Friday)/Borderline Personality

I believe I have a Borderline Personality Disorder. I could never be wrong. All the symptoms explain me. I am frustrated but happy because I finally was able to name that “devil” inside of me. Now, I understand why God sticks with me. All this time, He knows about it yet accepts me. I didn’t even die. So, there is a reason why I am still living. I could have died but no, I just found out who I am and now I am more determined to battle it: to build bridges and to change-to bring life and light to people. Before, I wondered why I could be so sympathetic yet so angry; why I could be indifferent yet deep inside wanting to help. I understand now. I am not evil after all. But of course, I have to go to the psychiatrist to confirm it.

We are not evil people. We just think, feel and so behave differently. Our all-or-nothing, black-and-white views contribute to who we are. But I refuse to accept that I will be like this forever. I want to change. And I want to prove that we can better. It’s hard especially that no one in the Philippines conducts Dialectical Behavior Therapy but I will do my best to follow the skills through an online DBT class. I am 23 and there’s so much more ahead of me. I refuse to believe that this defines me.

I have so many passions, dreams – and sometimes it’s so hard. Sometimes, I ask why is it like moving mountains for somebody who has a lot of drive, passion to get to where she wants. Last Saturday, I was also told that I won’t be successful for some reason. Something holds me back. I guess, this is the reason why I begin to understand myself now, why suddenly this happens. God wants to ensure that I am totally healed by knowing who I really am.

It’s weird because usually people with this disorder were abused sexually when they’re young. I wasn’t. But yes, I was bullied, hurt, undermined, neglected at school for no reason or maybe plainly because I was fat. I never thought I carried it with me and suffer the effects now. Forgiveness is one step to healing. So, I forgive them all for bullying, undermining my capacity, calling me names. I forgive all of them. And I refuse to let me be defined by this. I am stronger and my God is stronger. I have the strength in everything through God who strengthens me (Philippines 4:13). I am never afraid. There is a reason why the altercation happened yesterday. I don’t promise it won’t happen again. This time though, I am more aware of my distorted thoughts and emotions. I have faith. Besides, I am not meant to be here anyway. I’m (we’re) meant for heaven. As I always say, as long as I still love, as long as I still give, as long as I still help people, I am successful.

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About kaylathetheoxenophile

Hi everyone! I’m kayla. This is my first attempt to share my thoughts through blogging. Got lots of exploring to do. Don’t even know where to start and what to say. To start the ball rolling, allow me to share with you some of the fallacies about Kayla Marie Sarte. 1. Writing is just not my line. Although most considered me as a creative writer, I doubt I have that knack. I’m direct to the point. My essays are straight. As long as I get the message across then that’s fair enough for me. 2.I’m not a walking encyclopedia, got that? How funny it is to be asked by some bunch of kiddos bout tons of stuffs I don’t know or even have heard. Worse? They expect me to answer their queries in a snap. Good thing, I can always find the usual “busy” excuse to elude their endless questions. 3. You just don’t know how pain in the ass reading is to me. I always record the days I spend reading and do my best to keep the pace. Yeah, I’m a literature major but it’s uhmm, …. Except for required readings in my literature classes in the class, I haven’t truly deal with literary works personally. Good heavens, I found John Grisham and Dean Koontz – my all time faves. (In my later posts, I’ll be sharing my thoughts bout their books.) 4. One thing I found truly bleak about me is my loved for movies. I don’t like cinematography or even crave like Glenn Ortiz to be the Steven Spielberg of this race. I just enjoy watching movies on the big screen. That’s all. So, it’s a fallacy that I like cinematography… just the movies. 5. Call me braggart, arrogant. Many think so because of the achievements I gained in the past aching yet meaningful 15 education years of my life. What they don’t know is how negative and perturbed, covered with worries, stressed I am most of the time. No matter how great the laurel I get, I always look back at the failurs I’ve been through in the past. So, that goes to mean, I don’t think highly of myself or consider my awards that much. Top 3 things about me: 1. A Theophile 2. A Xenophile 3. Just Kayla Marie B. Sarte That’s all for now. You’ll get to know more about me soon and about the project 2012 that led me to explore blogging. J One thing is certain for me though, I love who I am for I am fashioned the way I fit exactly in a large mosaic we are all in. Be happy. Live life according to God’s will. – Kayla Sarte
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