Monthly Archives: November 2014

Photo Journal #204: November 29, 2014 (Saturday)/Threatened Abortion

My sister was advised to take a rest for a month to prevent miscarriage. I also cried quietly in my room after talking with her because I felt how she truly loves her baby, and saw her changed into a courageous woman who chose to be strong amidst her weak personality for the baby. She and Rap, including us, are doing the best that they could to make the baby alright. Again, I claim that our faith is stronger. God promised this baby and I trust Him.

20141129-195259.jpg God showed me today the verse about Elizabeth’s conception: God heard your prayer and granted your request.

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Photo Journal #203: November 28, 2014 (Friday)/With Mama and Papa to the Doctor

I was with mama and papa today for our scheduled check-up. The takeaway after talking to my doctor: I should COMMIT to love, trust and serve unconditionally.

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Photo Journal # 202: November 27, 2014 (Thursday)

We just found out that brown secretions are a sign of a miscarriage in process. I am not afraid though because God promised this child for my sister. God’s word is more reliable than anything- it always works for me. I had another school observation today and it refreshed me. Watching the kids play and act out scenes in the story with glimmer of hope and joy painted on their faces strengthens my vision of sending many incapable children to school someday before I hit 32. Again, with God, I can!

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Photo Journal #201: November 26, 2014 (Wednesday)/Rest In Peace Tito Roland

With papa, on our way back home from Polomolok.

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Photo Journal #200: November 25, 2014 (Tuesday)/Transcriptions

This summarizes everything I did today. Transcribing is a time sucker-seriously!!!

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Photo Journal #199: November 24, 2014 (Monday)/MTB Observation and Submission of Requirements to Erasmus Mundus

I reconnected with my previous professors at the uni today: Doc Palma, Ma’am Cobrador, Ma’am Navarro and Ante Mayang to name a few. Ma’am Relin and I discussed the possibility of organizing an association for Volunteer Catechists Org’s Alumni. She even told me that the meeting was not a coincidence, and I totally agree. Also, Ma’am Cobrador and I will be seeing each other again next week for some catching up.

Today, I also submitted my documents to Erasmus Mundus. Below is the photo I attached to my files. Gone were the days when we had to go to the studio for a 2×2 picture. 😀 I took this at home with my brother as the photographer. LOL

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Photo Journal #198: November 23, 2014 (Sunday)/Reconciliation and Prenup Photoshoot

I mustered enough courage to say sorry to Ante Dolor and admit I was wrong. She was crying terribly that it really pierced my heart. DBT, please.

I truly love every bit of this day: church, realizations, reconciliation, sky, nature, family bonding, etc. I got to also talk with Junoy and Karla (both makeup artists) about Illuminati, Brain Innovations, etc. Even the Jazz photo studio owner joined the conversation,which lasted for about two hours. Say “Eight” Kath!

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Photo Journal #197: November 22, 2014 (Saturday)/One Day in Davao and Another Member of the Family

Today, I literally went to Davao to watch “The Hunger Games: Mockingjay Part 1”. Nah, my transcript of records was ready for claiming on November 21, and so I hurried off the next day. Being an important part of my application to Erasmus Mundus, I really had to get it from the registrar’s office before Monday. Watching Mockingjay and dining out at Miko’s Brew were just “side trips”. And good news, my sister’s pregnant. This is a miracle because everybody was expecting her to have trouble bearing a child. But, nope, it’s easy. The doctor even commented that the child is a gift: a miracle because she can’t even believe it herself.

I remember how my sister felt so hopeless about having a child of her own. I promised that God will surely grant her the baby because God is more powerful than any of our expectations. God is enough. God works the impossible…

Indubitably, the family’s faith reaped its reward again.

Welcome to the world, baby!

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Photo Journal #196: November 21, 2014 (Friday)/Borderline Personality

I believe I have a Borderline Personality Disorder. I could never be wrong. All the symptoms explain me. I am frustrated but happy because I finally was able to name that “devil” inside of me. Now, I understand why God sticks with me. All this time, He knows about it yet accepts me. I didn’t even die. So, there is a reason why I am still living. I could have died but no, I just found out who I am and now I am more determined to battle it: to build bridges and to change-to bring life and light to people. Before, I wondered why I could be so sympathetic yet so angry; why I could be indifferent yet deep inside wanting to help. I understand now. I am not evil after all. But of course, I have to go to the psychiatrist to confirm it.

We are not evil people. We just think, feel and so behave differently. Our all-or-nothing, black-and-white views contribute to who we are. But I refuse to accept that I will be like this forever. I want to change. And I want to prove that we can better. It’s hard especially that no one in the Philippines conducts Dialectical Behavior Therapy but I will do my best to follow the skills through an online DBT class. I am 23 and there’s so much more ahead of me. I refuse to believe that this defines me.

I have so many passions, dreams – and sometimes it’s so hard. Sometimes, I ask why is it like moving mountains for somebody who has a lot of drive, passion to get to where she wants. Last Saturday, I was also told that I won’t be successful for some reason. Something holds me back. I guess, this is the reason why I begin to understand myself now, why suddenly this happens. God wants to ensure that I am totally healed by knowing who I really am.

It’s weird because usually people with this disorder were abused sexually when they’re young. I wasn’t. But yes, I was bullied, hurt, undermined, neglected at school for no reason or maybe plainly because I was fat. I never thought I carried it with me and suffer the effects now. Forgiveness is one step to healing. So, I forgive them all for bullying, undermining my capacity, calling me names. I forgive all of them. And I refuse to let me be defined by this. I am stronger and my God is stronger. I have the strength in everything through God who strengthens me (Philippines 4:13). I am never afraid. There is a reason why the altercation happened yesterday. I don’t promise it won’t happen again. This time though, I am more aware of my distorted thoughts and emotions. I have faith. Besides, I am not meant to be here anyway. I’m (we’re) meant for heaven. As I always say, as long as I still love, as long as I still give, as long as I still help people, I am successful.

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Photo Journal #195: November 20, 2014 (Thursday)/ Bursts

I am absolutely stressed. I felt ashamed of myself today. I blew up for a very tiny reason:bed cover. I mean, it is, but probably it stemmed from bottled frustrations. Imagine someone who took care of you since you were young, crying. I was really harsh. No words can explain how frustrated I am with myself. Out of anger, I even threw my scapular. Now, I don’t have it. I just want God to be angry with me, not to tolerate me. I want Him to just leave me. But He stayed. And I remembered crying and slapping myself, begging Him to leave while asking Him why He still sticks with me. I sobbed the whole day and even prayed that God will lay me to rest. But (Proceed to November 21, 2014).

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