This is an unedited blog

So no judging.

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Do adults bully? Yes!

When you are living each day in a mess, literally breath by breath (I couldn;t sleep at night), but people don’t notice… and they don’t care… so you just try to survive daily on your own without their help… and then you found out they were judging you for not being “there” and for not helping out in the gatherings. It hurts to be judged. And the reason why I keep my distance form people is this very incident. I have high sentinel intelligence… I can sense when people are lying, judgind or if I’m the subject of a recent talk. I even had to ask help from Indonesians and not from them to avoid being judged and talked about again. Sometimes I ask why I chose ANU when UniMelb or UniSyd could have been a better fit. it bothered me because I’m usually the one who organizes things for people back home, or help out arrange something, and I sometimes spent the most money on socials, it’s just that I can’t breathe and I couldn’t think clearly, If you have this you wouldn’t even want to go out. But I’m trying really hard… And this is what you get. Yep. So I was like the woman who doesn’t care giving too much, helping too much until just today in my fucking life… and the people who don’t kow you think you’re useless, passive. It’s the same in the incident when I was judged as a slut when to the people who know me I’m known as the virgin, the person who doesn’t like guys… Fuck life! You rest from that responsible, reliable, generous image and suddenly the spotlight is on you. One mistake and people say, You are useless,  passive. You rest from that kind, pure, nun image, and new people tag you as a slut.

That was the first legit event, and the day hadn’t ended yet. II was planning to wash the dishes because I was practically useless in cooking, but someone just commented, “she’s of no use anyway”. Yep. It hurts to trust people. I thought they were the kindest, truest people. I was so used to my co-employees who don’t care what you wear in the office, or how you even smell. We’re like family. I thought I just misjudged these co-scholars back home that I honestly enjoyed being with them except when I had asthma attacks until yeah one of them said, “I was of no use anyway, so I should entertain the guests”. Well. I thought. That’s just one time. So I got back up, and attended the Photoshoot today (trying to prove to myself that I was wrong), and guess what, they started talking about my dress and my legs. Yeah, I get it, I have asthma so I don’t have the most beautiful legs, and that Filipiniana is the only filipiniana that fits me.petty right? yes. It’s unbelievable that these people, adults, still care about how you look. Alright. Okay. But talking and giggling like crazy mean bitches? This isn’t high school, and this isn’t 2000.

I couldn’t believe it got really worse that I had to go to Warrumbul Lodge to sob in front of my new Indonesian friend because I couldn’t walk with them a few meters more and pretend everything is okay. Almost everyone at the lodge were looking at me trying to control my tears before we got in to my Indonesian friend’s room.

My personality is mine, but my attitude depends on the people I deal with (borrowed that from someone).

 

 

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Rant!

this sucks

 

 

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Stuck in a Rut

Voice: What do you do when you feel you’re stuck in a rut? Do you stop and let it be? Do you allow it, and pitch camps? Do you want to go forward?

Me:I think moving forward is the best way.

Voice: Why are you scared to accept where you are now? It is far from what you want to be?

Me: Yes, it’s not what I envision myself to be. Everything has become silent. IT’s deafening. The more I push the wall in front of me, the more I get hurt, scratch my palms, the more I understand that I do not power over the wall. I canno

Voice: Yes, so what do you do if there’s a wall? You go around it!  You don’t push it, you are yourself. You just go around it or climb over it. You don’t have to push it, climb over it! You don’t have to expect a sudden change, you slowly put your right foot in the wall, and place your left hand on a sturdy rock on the wall. It’s gonna be difficult, it may be long, but soon enough you’ll get past through that wall. Again, you feel satisfied, but remember you have to go down, to humble yourself and accept that whatever accomplishment you may feel on top at the moment is not exactly the reason why you started climbing the wall.

Rest, but you have to go down and start a new liberating journey. You don’t have to push the wall, it’s going to be difficult. Stop pointing everything wrong in your life. Instead, choose to choose the best way you think you could move past that hurdle. No need for bantering, no need for overthinking. Just do something, a little something is better than doing a big act you can’t even maintain. You can use a ladder or leverage other people. Anything. As long as you do something. Instead of looking at the wall and saying, “That’s a huge wall”. Does thinking day in and day out change the wall or lift you up? Nope. At some point, you gotta do something about it. Climb over it or go around it! There’s always that small step that you can take. Don’t pitch camps there. Don’t. That’s the reason why you get stuck at present.

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Day 8: Confident in God Bible Reading Challenge

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Isaiah 55

Then God spoke…

using Isaiah 55 again (after 5 years or so). That was His promise to me a long time ago. To be honest,  I still can’t understand what he meant, what he wants. But I’m sure in His perfect time, everything will be revealed.

Thank you Lord. Thank you.

 

 

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Day 7: Confident in God Bible Reading Challenge

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